I feel as though I'm watching the sand slip through an hourglass, trying to decide whether to allow it to keep gently pouring through or struggle to find a way to stop it. If anyone has discovered how to stop time- do not tell me. Do not tempt me. Kate is growing up way too fast! Zach's evolving career path has taken another turn, we are moving to the South- and a myriad of little changes sprinkled throughout. A hard thing for a Sentamentalist like me to do is accept change. Especially a big change like moving from your home and family and friends. Moving on from somewhere you've lived for a decade- and where you became you- can make a Sentamentalist worry it will all be forgotten and change forever. I never thought I'd do this- but I lamenting about leaving Provo. Ha! Why? Because this is where I went through countless failures and triumphs. Where I got a degree- the fulfillment of my mother's dream! It's where I fulfilled a few of my own I never thought I was capable of achieving. Where I learned hard lessons about love and loss, the real depths of God's reach, where I met and married my dreamboat husband, where I had my first child. Some kinds of change are thrilling and I used to feed off it- but the changes (a.k.a. blessings) piling up on me right now are making my sentimental side cringe.
But- without change, where would we be? We would stay in comfort zones that unintenionally become prisons of mediocrity. Change is a beautiful opportunity for real growth. We are meant to become incredible people, and who we are now is just a fraction of who we will become if we allow all the changes and embrace the challenges. That possibility that I may actually acheive greatness drives me on to quiet the fears of my sentamental side, looking at the changes soon to come as keys to doors previously locked to me. I feel one of my goals in this life is to gain experience- and I can't do that staying where I'm comfortable for too long.
During these changes, in my thirst for security, I am tempted to try and draw water from the wrong wells of relief. It only makes me thirstier. So far- the basics are what works. Service. Kindness. Praying. Meditating on an expanded perspective of the things to come, or the things to make peace with. Drawing strength from a source greater than my own.
In the words of Jason Mraz- God knows we are worth it. So if He knows I'm worth all this trouble, I'd better act like I'm worth it! This is a trust thing. For all the perks of our situation, I had some doubts about moving my family to a small town in the South. We're moving to a gorgeous lakehouse to live with my strong, sweet father in law. But we will be moving from my side of the family, from many of Zach's siblings we're so close with, and friends that have become family after a decade of experiences together. And who would Kate play with? There are no children I know of there. Will I become lost out there? As these and other fears led me to a dark corner of the possibilities that await, quiet reassurance pulled me back, realizing that if there is just ONE person out there to help, I will be contented. One part of receiving relief from fears is gratitude. It's a powerful thing- as powerful as change I think. What was a few weeks ago a fear-filled future is now an exciting one, that I look forward to. I'm grateful for such a merciful offer from my father in law. I'm grateful for the beauty that will surround us. Very, VERY grateful for our health and my little family. Grateful Zach will be working from home and that Kate and I are such good buds that hopefully I'll be a good playmate for awhile. Grateful Zach has found something he will love to do, and I'm grateful there is a purpose in going out there that I don't yet know. And grateful for planes. :)
I guess the conclusion for all these ramblings is- when fear is trying to prevent you from making a change, try to ditch the fear and give that opportunity a real chance. Whether it's moving, a job change, deciding to get married, or when to have your first kid, or your second, whether it's finally letting go of something you've been holding on to for too long, or forgiving, or find a realtionship with God- just give change a chance. You may be one decision away from something really great. And life is an hourglass- time is ticking.
