Weigh in on some motherhood things

I imagine I am not alone in being troubled with the present state of affairs in our world. I feel like I'm in a tanker with thousands upon thousands of passengers- women, men, children, of all races- and there is a dark, sly enemy lurking in the depths of the waters. He is slowly punching quarter-size holes in the bottom of the ship, with the intent of sinking all those wonderful people and families trying to enjoy the beauty of the ride. Because of how slowly the ship is inching deeper into the water, the happy passengers don't notice how dire the circumstances really are. Well- as a passenger on the bottom deck I just glimpsed down to find my feet in water. I don't know how to yell out to my fellow old-fashioned believers besides in the form of a blog post. I'm hoping somehow by weighing in on some important issues that I'll hear from you guys- my friends and family- what you feel about these things and what to do about it so I know I'm not the only one seeing the waters rising so we can prepare the life boats in case this sucker sinks. 

The first one on my mind is the decision to have a child. 

I read a couple weeks ago that Planned Parenthood legalized post-birth abortion. The content of that article has haunted me every day since readying it. Post-birth abortion. That doesn't even hide what those lobbyists are really going for. Murder. That is murder anyway you spin it. I mean- if I cause a car accident, and a pregnant woman is killed- I'm charged with murder. PP- you're downright crazy. And you being crazy is going to cost a lot of kids their lives. Mothers making this decision are robbing themselves of happiness.

I'm pro-life (except for in extreme circumstances of incest or rape). I think at the heart of this whole abortion epidemic are lies society is teaching about sex and what it's technically really for. It's just a free for all anymore. Like- the next step after you kiss someone. I think how lost I would be if my whole view of sex was based on what I learn from TV and magazines and music. Speaking of the evil little ship-sinker, he's really attacking the family from every angle. I hope we can open up our eyes and see how families are going to be hurt bigtime if we don't start playing by the rules the man upstairs has made. Open relationships, abortion, divorce out the whazoo...we can't expect society to teach family values anymore. It's just up to us guys. We've got to listen to our hearts about what's really right and wrong and draw some lines for ourselves instead of letting others erase them for us. 

I remember going to my first prenatal appointment at 10 weeks and being shocked that the nurse at this clinic did an ultrasound. I'd expected them to use one of those heartbeat monitor thingies to make sure the babe was alive- I didn't know I'd get to see her- or that there was anything to see. So the nurse squirts that cold gel on my yet empty-looking belly and voom- that black screen lit up with a white tiny human being kicking and waving at me (yelling hey mom! Watch this!) I couldn't feel a thing! But there she was kicking and waving like she could see she was on a 24" flat screen in front of her adoring fans. I didn't know she would already look like a little baby. I was still picturing the different sizes of fruit babycenter.com compared her to. A little strawberry just sitting there patiently waiting to become human. Silly mommy. She was an itty bitty little girl already. How, even in the depth of fatigue after the despair of labor, could a woman look upon her own beautiful new innocent child and with the fateful wave of her hand allow another person to kill that baby before her very eyes? The waters are rising. The only way a woman could do that is if someone is working overtime trying to sink her ship. The ways to combat the ship-sinker are not easy, but they are worth it. Read The Screwtape Letters. It opened my eyes a lot to ways the adversary had hold of parts of me I was clueless about. Zach has actually noticed a difference from me since reading that book. I'm on to you ship-sinker. 

I know that Satan tries to make you focus on how pregnancy/childbirth will affect your looks and your body size. He also makes you freak out about the pain you are going to experience. He makes you think you are not strong enough to endure the first 9 months of that baby's life and not good enough to parent him/her for the rest. He ensures you that the baby will ruin your freedom and probably your relationship with your spouse and surely your career. He starts making you real harsh on yourself to speed up this process and he is really really good at attacking when your hormones are going crazy. Such a stinker. 

Just don't believe his lies. 

The truth is- God built you strong enough to withstand all of the trials associated with childbirth and rearing and strong enough to combat Satan's temptations while you do it. I think the secret is to rely on the Savior for grace. 

Grace:
"The main idea of the word is divine means of help or strength, given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ.

It is likewise through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means. This grace is an enabling power that allows men and women to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after they have expended their own best efforts.

Divine grace is needed by every soul in consequence of the Fall of Adam and also because of man’s weaknesses and shortcomings. However, grace cannot suffice without total effort on the part of the recipient. Hence the explanation, “It is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do” (2 Ne. 25:23)." (LDS Bible Dictionary, Grace)

There is so much more to say on this subject. To be continued in like 6 months when I find time to blog again. :)

Pre and Post baby boy musings

December 8, 2013

I have one month left until baby boy arrives. His impending birth is much different than Kate's was. I have no major lifestyle change to figure out. I am not quitting any job or wondering what on earth childbirth is like. But there are a few differences this time that really have my brain gears turning- always in the wee hours of the morning. (Somehow I only need 5 hours of sleep anymore?) One is how this will change Kate's life. And secretly- how this will change Kate and I's life. Nobody knows how much I love holding her hand walking through parking lots. My adorable little best friend who knows me so well. We have our routine so down pat that I know BOTH of us are going to struggle with baby coming in and taking over.

May 19, 2014

I just found this draft from before Jack was born. Much has happened since then. Jack was born January 8. It was quite the experience. I laughed when I read that I didn't have to wonder what childbirth was like. HA! Jack's labor (such a different beast than my labor with Kate!) happened so fast and so intensely that Zach delivered that little baby by our front door. More on that later. 

I have a smile now reading about my fears of Jack disrupting Kate and I's life. I  don't know where to start. He has in such a beautiful way. Kate now has to learn patience and independence. I could never have taught her those things so well, because now she learns them out of love for her brother. She is learning to put other's needs before her own. She is learning to care for a person smaller and more helpless than her.She is learning to share not just toys but her parents- much harder than sharing her stuff. She has learned the durability of our love for her. She is learning that our focus on him does not diminish our love for her. HOW could she have learned these things at such a tender age without a sibling? I had limited vision, as I thought bringing her a brother would make her feel neglected and that I wouldn't have as much time to teach her valuable life lessons. This was a classic "My ways are not your ways" situation. I read a quote once that the best thing you can do for your child is give them a sibling. I see more clearly now why that is true. And confession- I was scared I wouldn't love him as much as Kate. Her place in my heart has not (AND WILL NEVER!) budge one tiny bit out of the way to make room for someone else. My heart just grew bigger so Jack has a nice roomy place of his own now. The little dude has made Kate happier if you can believe it. She does not like his crying, but she loves holding him, talking to him, giving him toys and feeding him, and it seems she is as proud of him as I am when he hits developmental marks. I can tell that he is a part of her now too. I didn't know how much she needed him. Oh and how he melts my heart with the way he looks at her- with total trust and love. A baby's gaze of love is the most spiritual thing I have ever seen. It is that trust I am learning to place in God through this process. We three now walk through the parking lot and I still hold Kate's hand. Our relationship has not weakened. It's strengthened because now I look to her sideways- as a helper, a hug when I need one, someone to laugh with during the day when I have to change a narsty diaper or Jack's screaming about something. Now that Kate and I have endured something hard together, we are stronger for it. And sweet Jack has added so much love to our family. He smiles readily whenever Kate bursts into song- and truth be told Kate distrupts his life much more than he disrupts hers ;). It's now 7am. Naptime yet?  

love

by Truman G Madsen
from Four Essays on Love

The way to overcome the fake fires that are omni-present in our culture is neither wet blankets nor cold water. It is to burn with a brighter, richer flame...

Love is Fire. 
That is the great secret. 

It is Fire with a large F. It is Divine Fire. When it is in you it lights you, all of you. And transforms. No self-induced flicker can compare with it.

Such love, over long periods, becomes diamond-like. A real diamond, being pure carbon, burns up in split seconds surrounded by flame. Yet there are other fantastic pressures and refinements that give it luster and sheen until it can cut and endure through almost anything. Love in you is both that destructive and that durable. 

Snow lessons

Well I think I know what Kate has been wishing for every time we blow out candles or see the first star every night- SNOW. If you haven't heard yet what's going on in the south, we went from a pretty warm Monday to rare snow in the middle of Tuesday. At first it was a light flurry but it picked up and gave Kate a couple inches to play in. Zach works ten minutes away and it took him two hours to get home for all the traffic he was in. 

At first I chuckled that two inches of snow was such a big deal but all humor was gone as the night went on. The freeway was a gridlock on ice- with many of our friends stuck in it. It was full of huge multi-car accidents, semis Jack-knifed everywhere, stranded cars, kids stuck in schools because their parents couldn't get to them, people with no food and running out of gas, abandoning their cars to walk home in the snow because they hadn't moved in 7 hours. One woman gave birth in her car assisted by her husband and a police officer because they were stuck in the gridlock and couldn't make it to the hospital. As far as I've heard they are both okay. After my experience almost giving birth to Jack in our parking lot three weeks ago in 15 degree weather that woman's experience is what wrenches my heart most of all. This whole experience has gotten me thinking A LOT about being prepared. Some real lucky things happened that kept us safe from this storm but we easily could have been one of the thousands right outside our house preparing to spend the night on the freeway. 

There were a combination of factors I've heard that have contributed to the disaster this whole mess is. Many of them seem to have direct spiritual parallels.

First- no one expected- and few prepared for- a winter wonderland Tuesday when it was sunny Monday. Lesson: it's far easier to prepare for storms when it's sunny- and much harder when the storm has already hit. You never know what tomorrow could bring.

All was business as usual dropping kids off at school/daycare and going to work. When snow dropped and schools called to say they were sending kids home, everyone in Metro Atlanta jumped in their cars to go get their kids or go home, creating a gridlock. When more snow fell, what few plows the cities had couldn't do their work bc the roads were full. So the road conditions worsened around all those drivers. I have no criticism for how the situations were all handled because I'm sure everyone was doing their best in an unexpected situation. Very crazy to see that where we came from in Utah can have a foot of snow dumped and because they're accustomed to snow, they are prepared for living safely in it, while when it hits a state so unexpectedly, even two inches can be devastating. 

Second: Many unaccustomed to driving on slick roads got in accidents from simple maneuvers that would have been easily accomplished on a dry road. Lesson: The Lord gives us gradually increasing trails (tough experiences on dry roads) to practice for the harder ones to come (tough experiences on icy roads). It's easy to keep your footing when you're in control- like a driver on a dry road- but much more difficult to keep your faith when you feel like your sliding all over and out of control. Another lesson from this could be to keep up devotional practices like reading scripture and praying when things are going great so that you have the strength you need when things are hard. 

Third- just because it stops snowing does not mean the hard part is over. The aftermath of trials needs just as much faith and attention as the initial trial itself. The snow stopped late Tuesday night but there is still so much to be done to get back to normal functioning Atlanta life. Some kids are just being reunited with their parents after spending the night at school. The roads are an icy mess. There are hundreds of abandoned cars in every parking lot and on every road. Tow trucks are working like crazy to clear the freeway so they can make driving safe. People have to deal with repairing their cars from all those accidents. To date over 1000 flights out of Atlanta were cancelled. The backlash goes on and on. Point being- when you have a hard trial- you need to give yourself time afterwards to recover from it. Extra spiritual attention, taking life a little slower, and not expecting life to go on as if nothing happened. Taking time to learn the lessons from trials gives the trials value. 

If we don't spend time thinking about life and what we are learning from it, the trials are for little good and will most likely have to be repeated. 

Memory Lane- Paris

I have spent a lot of time walking down memory lane this week. Kate's second birthday spurred this walk. 

My life has been full of forks in the road. Sometimes in the early hours of the morning, before anyone else in my family is awake and the vibrant day begins, I play with these forks. This mornings thought- what if I hadn't gone to Paris at that moment? (2006) What if I hadn't gone to visit Versailles that day in April, then found the nearest LDS church and watched that ONE talk in conference where Elder Scott looked through the itty bitty TV monitor, pointed right at me and said "YOU will never regret the decision to serve a mission, but you might regret the decision not to." What if that choice had never been made that day in my heart? So much about me would be different. I would be so different without those experiences I had those short but full four months in Paris and the 15 months in Tahiti. Then I think about all the other choices that I was so unsure about. It took me almost my whole college career to figure out a major. And in the end I chose European Studies because the education I received from the mind of Professor Daryl Lee was so amazing I was hoping that would continue in the major. It did. It was the perfect major for me. But I wonder now- what am I doing with it? I just had to fill out that blasted Alumni survey where I recognize the cost of the choice to become a mother. My heart aches for school. Zach thinks I'm crazy ;) I really enjoy *now* the lifestyle of a stay at home mom. Upon meeting Kate that decision to stay home with her was as solid as stone on a mountain, but I sure miss living some of the more daring of those forks in the road. The memories are so sweet. Okay some were pretty salty but even chocolate chip cookies need salt in them. 

One particular memory that had me smiling this morning was the first day I arrived in Paris. I remember driving from the airport in a cab to an Etap hotel on the outskirts of Paris. It was early in the morning, as we had flown all night. I can't remember where the Etap was or actually if it really was an Etap. I remember thinking how gray everything looked but how electric the air was with my excitement to be there. I couldn't believe how I'd gotten there and had complete and full hope for a new life there. I needed a rebirth at that point. I remember walking into the foyer of the hotel and seeing the other students- all looked as worn out and completely excited and full of hope as I did. Professor Lee welcomed us, told us NOT to sleep for the whole next day so we could get on the right time zone. I remember the foyer smelled like warm bread and coffee. He gave us the addresses of our new homes and explained what an arrondissement was, the difference between the metro and the trains that took people further to the suburbs, and where school would be held. We were off. Valerie Wilde and I heaved and hauled our luggage to another cab and the adventure really began. Knowledge from our semester of french dropped to zero as we climbed into the cab and tried to explain to an African man where to go. We handed him a paper and sat back thinking we were probably going in the right direction. He dropped us off at a very random metro station...in the middle of honking traffic...on the wrong side of Paris. We paid him and heaved and hauled down a million stairs into my very first experience with a Subway/Metro station. Valerie- I laugh so hard now thinking of the amazing preparation this particular experience was with motherhood. Too much to carry, the destination seeming impossible lengths away, really hungry and tired, but somehow still so happy. SO we did miraculously learn the metro that day and made it very late to our new home. A beautiful white townhouse- if I could describe it that way- not far from the Seine on the southwest side of Paris. I was trying to think what to make for dinner last night and our host mother's ham and cheese pastry crossed my mind. That was my favorite meal of hers. It was very simple. A large pie pastry with Emmenthal cheese and french ham- worlds tastier than our plastic nasty grocery store ham- melted to perfection. Then she would cut it up with scissors and serve it to us with a salad, and kiwi or small yogurt for dessert. My bedroom had a desk that took up half the room and a bed that took up the other half. It was perfect. The comforter was bright pink. The wall paper had red designs of peasants harvesting. I think the carpet was dark blue. I slept right by a window that could open up to the street and the heater was right under the window. I prayed every night it wouldn't set my bed on fire. Valerie and I secretly stored cheese and tomatoes on our windowsills where it was plenty cold enough to be a refrigerator. We would be starving some nights, even after our dinner! American meal portions are heftier than French ones. We would sneak baguettes in our backpacks to my large desk and eat sandwiches mostly of camembert and tomatoes. One terrifying time our host mom- who had forbidden food upstairs- opened the door without knocking and caught one of our late night secret dinners. That was terrifying. I'm positive Valerie and I miss that house with the same fondness. But we do NOT miss the fields of dog poo canvasing the roads to our metro stop from their house. Seriously- ewww. 

I miss sitting on the bridges over looking the Seine. Any one of them would do for me this morning. I spent the most time sitting on the one by school and the Pompidou Centre. The breeze that flows over the bridge washes away past mistakes, unnecessary brain clutter, bad memories, and more than once my desire to ever leave Paris. That was zen for me. 

However- even when you find somewhere you love so deeply, there is a time to leave it. My heart knew when it was time. (My expiring travel visa helped...) So home I came and life rolled forward through to the next fork. Tahiti. Tahiti is a story for another morning. I'm sure anyone reading this can see why I called this blog the Sentimentalist. I've inherited it from my paternal Grandmother. I see it now, finally living by her and Grandpa in Atlanta, that this was a genetic trait passed on. Not just the ability to remember- but that I remember the feelings of where and when with more detail than the actual events. She has a house full of memories of those she loved and their possessions. My sentimentality never leaves me. It subconsciously seeps into my dreams so that when I wake up, I remember things otherwise lost to everyday stresses and life. 

My real question for the future is a little more un-nerving than a fork in the road. I think I might need forks in the road more frequently than the average joe. I'm quite worried in faithless moments looking at my married-and-stay-at-home-track record that the rest of life is one straight path forward. Life seems more settled with Zach graduated and another baby on the way. When you are not alone anymore, roots grow faster in places you land. They need to. Our Georgia roots are taking hold and though I know in my mind that the steadiness provided by those growing roots is welcomed to a happy and healthy family, I must remind my heart that somewhere, hidden in God's mind, adventures lie ahead. He knows my heart aching for the next fork that will lead to a deeper, bigger me. And now that Zach and Kate (and baby boy en route) are a part of my heart, the adventures won't be right without them. So what on earth could they be? This next baby is my hunch. Adventures within the home are harder for me to wrap my mind around than the kind of adventure where you travel somewhere to see something new. They take a lot more reflection to learn from than seeing somewhere foreign and letting it become part of you. Adventures within the home look a whole lot like normal life. I guess that is my trick too--finding the magic in my home. And showing it to Kate. 

Motherhood.

Motherhood- hardest career there is, right? But man, kids. They change your heart. A whole heck of a lot of challenges come with motherhood, as with any worthwhile pursuit in life. You get to see all your weaknesses magnified and many of your selfish desires laid on the altar if you want to be a great mom. And yet- this is the happiest I've ever been. All that I gave up- and I'd do it all again. Well- I will do it again someday God-willing. Ha. 

With all the narsty stuff happening in the world, I'm just feeling a little sentimental about my kiddo, who is my hope. Can't do much about Boston from here, can't give back the lives that have been lost. But I can look at my personal American dream- my little family. My daughter who represents the innocence and purity I know is still beating in hearts around the world, even when times are hard. My sister in law Rachel wrote a gorgeous song for her 2 year old daughter Claire, and in it sings of how she leans on her to be the change the world needs. I feel that bigtime. I feel strongly my biggest contribution to this society will be my daughter. 

She is brave, strong, compassionate, and determined. She will be a light in the darkness, leading others to the one man who understands how to heal it all. 

All the opportunities I've let walk away for the honor of being Kate's mother are simply dry leaves and faded blossoms blowing away in the wind that changes the seasons of my life. Being her mother is a season I want to cherish. I have grown into this role and though at first I was terrified it would never feel natural, now it is me. It's got Nikki written all over it. I'm just my own kind of mother. And I can trust God to send me kids that need me as their mom. And hopefully I can give them belief and honesty and bravery and love to protect them in this ever-darkening world. Seeing what I've seen, I don't know how I couldn't join the army of mothers trying to protect what is most dear to the world. And so Kate- I am devoted to you. 

My part matters. Our part matters because we matter. Our daily contributions of nurturing teaching and caring for others may seem mundane, diminished, difficult, and demeaning at times, yet as we remember that first line in the YW theme- we are daughters of our Heavenly Father who loves us, it will make all the difference in our relationships and our responses.

- Elaine S. Dalton

 

You are the trip I did not take;

You are the pearls I cannot buy;

You are my blue Italian lake;

You are my piece of foreign sky.

-Anne Campbell

change of plans for the Zirkles

This will be short as my time before the peanut wakes up is soon to end! A quick update on our family, since Nikki STINKS at Christmas cards.

Since my last post, our compass is leading us a new direction. We are now moving to Atlanta, GA. Zach will still be working for Industry Pro, his father's investment banking firm, but we will be joining a gaggle of Wilkin relatives in what rumor has it to be an amazing city. Kate is excited for the world's largest aquarium. I am excited for a new adventure and being at least within road trip distance to a beach! Zach is excited for a new career. All these new changes fall happily during the timely arrival of 2013.

A few months ago I was quite sentimental about leaving our Provo nest- but then dreams of a bigger apartment...liberty to redecorate...a pool...dare I say even a washer and dryer in unit???...helped the prospect sound more appealing. I'm of course blocking out the things that would bring them back. Leaving people you love is not fun! So we will procrastinate thinking about that until about the end of June.
*Side note here- anyone looking for a gorgeous, remodeled, optionally fully furnished two bedroom 5 minutes from BYU Campus beginning July 1...let me know. I know a great place!!

Updates then on the clan.
Zach- believes he is shrinking. His broken thumb from flag football season is still gimp. He hasn't been able to lift for months and what with his hippie vegan wife feeding him a bunch of rabbit food- he feels a tad small. He is not. He is still large in stature. He is also a smarty pants. He's quite close to his high academic goals despite the distraction and trickery of his wife and daughter, who so adore him that they had a very hard time letting him study or go to class. His iron will and discipline prevailed 99% of the time. The new challenge? Learning the ropes of a completely new job. He quit his job as a Spanish training coordinator at the MTC right before Christmas to strengthen an internship program between BYU and Industry Pro. Will he survive our sneaking in to show off Kate's favorite trick of tickling his toes? Boring but my guess is yes. Yes he will.

Moi- Since I need to find a way to promote Zach doing homework and working, I've decided to give myself a class on nutrition and also read like crazy. Anyone have book recommendations? In my spare time I do a little puttering with my friends marketing business- she lets me doodle and get paid! Go Sarah Perkins. Her stuff is amazing- https://www.facebook.com/#!/sarahperkinsphoto?fref=ts. Nu Skin lets me keep my foot in the door too, I sure love them. And the MTC still hasn't been able to completely rid themselves of my Tahitian teacher status. I teach retirees the craziest polynesian language so they can go serve missions in the Garden of Eden. aka Tahiti. Yes it really looks like that.

Other than that? I am very happy to also be a maman and love seeing Kate grow. I'm having fun experimenting with what my brother calls "hippie" food. My highlights of 2013? All the weddings and trips! Trip to the Bahamas for the Lobos wedding, beautiful Utah wedding for my mother in law Elisabeth and her hubby Brian, trips to South Carolina and Colorado. Last but not least getting to have a sister in Provo again has been a huge highlight. Dani(aka Ally) is a freshmen at BYU and we try to bug her weekly.

Kate- She could have her own blog honestly. She learned to walk about 6 months ago and is now running around- all the time. There is rarely a walking speed. Every destination requires a jog at the least. She sports an impressive mouth full of teeth that were paid for dearly by sleepless nights and a lot of biting my shoulder. She is in love with a bunny Zach's mom gave her and carries it everywhere. She just learned to say "Bunny" this week. Before that it was named "uh-oh." Despite her growing vocabulary, "NO NO NO NO!" is still her favorite phrase, finger wag  and smolder included. She is hilarious and loves to tease her father at any opportunity. Mostly she tickles him or wacks him on the leg and runs away. She can do the touchdown sign and claps- which comes in handy every once in a great while for her favorite team, the BYU Cougars. *zing* Her favorite movie is Tangled (where she learned said smolder.) She can make quite a few animal noises. G'pa Wilkin recently taught her the snake one over christmas. How endearing to hear my 15 month old hissing in Parceltongue. Even more endearing than little Potter is that she folds her arms to pray! Melts my heart! And we painted her little toes bright pink this morning- her first pedi.

That is all for now. Maybe deep thoughts next time? Happy New Year!